Deciding to start a family is a BIG deal, like huge. And you have to really decide, and pray, and do all those things to make sure that it’s what you are supposed to be doing. And when you feel good about it, it’s GO time. And you think, YES, it’s time to get a baby in this belly. It’s my time to be a mom, and it’s my time to start a family. It’s the best feeling in the world to know that you get to create a little piece of God to have on this Earth.
And then you start trying. And it’s like you are newlyweds all over again with S alllll the time. And then a month goes by, and nothing; and then another month, and another, and still you have nothing. No positive sign on a pee stick, just a damn period that keeps coming month after month. And then you get tired. And you think, this isn’t really that fun anymore to keep trying. The trying part was supposed to be the fun part, not the forced part. And then you get worried. And you think maybe you are broken, or he is broken, or maybe you are both broken. And then you get stressed.
And people tell you not to worry about it, that it will just happen when the timing is right. So then you start worrying about not worrying, and you worry even more. Your doctor tells you to not worry about anything until it has been a year….forget the term family planning then. Talk about total defeat here. You even think of why you have been on birth control all this time to begin with, when you didn’t even really need it. Then you start hating birth control, and think that it is the thing that messed your body up. (True story, I will NEVER go on BC in a fake hormone form again).
And then you have lots of friends who tell you their stories of how they weren’t even trying and got a surprise baby, or how they only had to try one (singular) month before they got knocked up. And you secretly are bitter. And then you have friends who have been trying a lot longer than you, and would be way better parents than you anyways, so you feel bad for complaining about your measly time trying. So then, you just give up. Not give up in a bad way, but in a way that there is peace in life.
Every situation is different, and I’m not looking for comfort or to start an army against the period gods.I am finally at peace with my situation, and I know that when I do get to be a mom, I’ll have a little more appreciation for the calling that it is because I’ve had to work at it. And I mean REALLY work at it. We’ve had to pray, and we’ve had to fast, and we’ve had to cry and beg, and we’re still here, in square 1. But, it has brought us closer, and we have 3 wonderful years of marriage down, and we are happy. Last night as Dylan and I were having pillow talk in bed (not the dirty kind, the fun sleepover kind) I just realized things will be ok, and my life is perfect just the way it is (for now).So here’s to fertility, and trying, and all the S that a woman can handle (I really think I’m almost at my max here people, so if it doesn’t happen soon, I’m going to be a nun for a few months until I am ready again)
I laughed pretty hard at that picture. Man, fingers crossed for you guys. This stuff isn't easy territory to navigate. xx
ReplyDeleteJessy! I am so sorry. I totally understand that it's annoying when people think that they know how you feel, so I won't try to pretend. But I do want to tell you that it is hard. It's hard to accept that you cannot control this and things will just happen however it is that they will happen. Last fall (a year and a half ago) we were thinking we were ready, so then we started trying. We waited and waited. Then on a Monday morning I took a test that said positive and I was thrilled! I was so happy for a week until that Friday last May when I was at school during my prep hour and I started to bleed. I knew I was losing the baby and I was beside myself. It was miserable. I was angry and bitter and hating my period and all people with newborns all summer. Then at the end of the summer it finally happened again. And I'm so grateful that I can say that this time I get to hold that baby in my arms . It's so different for everyone and it's so hard to try to be normal and not think about it ALL.THE.TIME. but I know for me this experience taught me a lot of things that I needed to learn.
ReplyDeleteI love you and hope the best for you.
Oh man, not sure if you knew this but we had infertility problems for two years before Case and now we have been trying a year for number two. We had to see a specialist for case and we are seeing someone here too. I know every feeling that goes through your head. Let me know if you EVER need to talk. Really. I have tried almost everything and felt almost everything. But what I do know for a fact is that everything happens for a reason but its hard to realize that till after the trial is over.....
ReplyDeleteXoxoxo
My sister and her husband have not been able to get pregnant. I can only imagine what it feels like to go through all of these emotions... and then to find out... it just might not ever happen for you. Reevaluating how you envisioned your family and life. Going through this is my biggest fear... and I truly hope that you and your husband can find some peace through this journey and trial in your life. Just know there are thousands of women who relate to what you are going through. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteJessy! I don't want to say I am happy to hear this from you because I am not at all! It is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But I am happy to know that I there are others facing similar trials as I am and to know that I am not alone. I am grateful for you for sharing your story. I am always here for you too! You guys are in my prayers, and just remember that sometimes our timeline is not always the same as what Heavenly Father has in mind for us. I know everything will work out how it should. Love you Jessy!
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